Image Credit flickr.com
I walked away from an abusive relationship the week before Christmas exactly four years ago. To say that a lot has changed since then would be an understatement. I went from being called Mamma to being single and on my own in the blink of an eye. My world was turned upside down and churned about like clothes on spin cycle.
At the time I was beyond devastated. And as I cycled through the stages of grief over the loss of my step-daughter, my relationship, and everything I had ever known I acted in ways that I am not proud of. Back then I used writing as my outlet, that much hasn’t changed, and in my fight to try and save my step-daughter at times I acted like an out of control idiot. Grief does strange things to people and I was certainly no exception.
When I began to heal and focus on the importance of putting my mental health first, I took inventory of my behavior and I was ashamed. This blog had become a place of bitterness and anger. Most would understand and forgive. Many would call it justified. But that didn’t make it right. I was not a me I recognized. I was not a me I wanted to recognize.
I spent the next two and a half years in a self-imposed writing silence. I deleted most of my social media accounts and took down this blog. I wasn’t sure if I would ever bring it back again. I wanted desperately to forget the pain and grief that plagued me. But this numb avoidance wasn’t me either. I am not an unfeeling or quiet person. I am someone that feels deeply and believes in the salvation of writing for both myself and others.
So I spent some time in silence. I spent a lot of time in silence. I became comfortable with it and learned to embrace being alone. I focused on self care and tried outlets like yoga. I drove to beautiful places and lost myself in nature. I allowed myself to remember and I allowed myself to let go. This was no easy task but it was necessary and worth every ounce of grueling effort.
After healing took its hold on my heart and soul, I felt ready to write again. I wanted to share my story(ies) with the world and help people who might be struggling with similar circumstances. I wanted to give hope to those lost in the depths of the suffering I had climbed out of. And so I resurrected this blog and began to write.
Writing again has been a blessing. I have found new outlets by guest posting on a variety of wonderful sites. One opportunity led me to being published on The Huffington Post a couple of times. I am proud of my evolution as a writer and as a human. This is a me I recognize and am proud of. This is a me I resurrected and glued back together with hope and perseverance.
For those that have followed my story over the years, I want you to know that I am doing extremely well. I am safe and happy and I have broken the cycle of domestic violence that plagued my past relationships. I still find myself wondering these words I found in this story about breaking cycles:
“I used to wonder ‘Why me? Why did I survive? But I don’t ask myself those things anymore. If anyone can be inspired or motivated by me or my story, that’s the beauty of everything”.
And while my journey has had it’s ugly moments, it’s gritty down on my knees lost in grief moments, it truly has been beautiful. I have come out on the other side of loss and sorrow a better person. A changed person.
I want to thank everyone that has followed my story, wondered about me, reached out to me, and shared with me their own struggles. You have held my hand throughout these past four years and your presence, no matter how brief, has comforted me and brought me light. Light that sparkles and shines across the distance and reminds me how far I’ve traveled with all of you by my side. Thank you for listening. Keep fighting the good fight.