Monday, August 3, 2020

I Call Bullshit



You know the well-meaning phrase "you have to love yourself first"? I think it's bullshit. I think, like most cliches, it has some valid truth to it and applies to life and love at times. But, also like cliches, it is not a catch-all and sometimes can cause further unintended harm.

Before you disagree with me, please know that I think self love is extremely important and crucial. But I think it is extremely counter-productive to shame people that are trying to find love in this crazy, beautiful, lonely and connected but often extremely disconnected world. I know it isn't meant as shaming but I also know that is exactly how it feels.

Because what if you were taught to not love yourself from a very young age? Or even later in life when you got trapped in a toxic and/or abusive relationship? Bullies, abuse, family discord, abandonment, societal messages, and more can strip the self love and short circuit the pathways in the soul needed for this kind of development.

SmartSign "Caution - Area Under Construction" Sign | 7" x 10 ...So, what are these people to do, these victims and survivors of a life they never asked to inherit? Therapy, self reflection, ya da ya da ya da. I know. But I still think it's bullshit.

We can't always magic back to life what was taken away or what we never had.

And this is where the love from others is so desperately needed. Not even needed, it is required. Love from others breathes life back into our deflated sense of self and, like magic, has a way of healing and lifting up the person on the receiving end. With a bit of luck and a lot of time this allows the soul to rewire itself. Or at least that's the hope.

I think telling people that they must love themselves first has the unintended side effect of causing so many to feel like they are too broken or too unworthy of love and friendship. Like they are to blame for not loving themselves and should be shamed into solitude until they learn how. For so many, that feels nearly impossible. So they withdraw into themselves and become more isolated and more lonely and subsequently love themselves even less.

I should know.

Everyone and everything on this planet needs love to grow and flourish. Flowers and trees need the sun and rain, stars need the night sky, and baby animals need protection and nourishment until they can stand on their own. And all of that is a form of love.

So what happens to the ones born without that essential set of self love building blocks? Sure, you could argue that many find a way to flourish in spite of that like wildflowers growing in the cracks of concrete. But not all of us are that lucky. We struggle and struggle and struggle some more.

We all loathe something about ourselves and you'll never convince me otherwise. And what about those with mental health conditions that rob them of self love? Are they supposed to be condemned to a life of solitude? Of course not. What if we told people that they are worthy of love and they are lovable right now, exactly as they are?

I have failed and failed some more at this. I have loved myself enough to walk away from abusers after years of not loving myself enough to stop it from happening. I have battled with emotional eating and often lost. I have been gentle with myself during my health struggles with cancer and auto-immune problems and I have also been a complete asshole to myself. I have been standing in a mirror and picking myself and my soul apart since I was a kid.

I allowed the voices of the abusers to become my own in my mind, doing their dirty work long after they are gone.

I often feel too fat, too poor, too unsuccessful, too anxious, too depressed, too needy, too sensitive, too - well, you get the picture. Life has been, and still is, really fucking hard. I have tried therapy and everything in between. My wiring is still not how it should be but, you know what? It's not my fault, even on the days I can't remember that it's not.

So this post is just as much for me as it is for you. We deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved. And maybe, just maybe, we can learn to show up exactly as we are.

There is nothing better than having a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, and a heart that loves you to comfort and guide you along the way. Love yourself, love others, and allow yourself to be loved. Not one day in the future when you are deemed whole or are marinated in confidence. Now.

Keep the faith, dare to try, and go find your people. They will love you no matter where you are in your ongoing construction work on your soul. We should all strive for personal growth in our lives. It should be a lifelong process of unfolding and becoming, unlearning and reconstruction. You don't have to do it alone.

People don't build houses by themselves and neither should you. Strive to love yourself always. In all ways. And if you fall short? Don't let anyone or anything (especially yourself) convince you that your lack of self love is a fatal flaw and must be fixed before you can be loved by others. And, who knows. Maybe you have some building materials and strength to provide them in return.



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